True Story: A Play In One Act


My neighborhood, one block from the beach, New Year’s Day 2007


I/ME: Female, mid-30s, wearing beanie and Uggs
BOYFRIEND: Male, late 20s, wearing beanie and trainers
INNOCENT NEIGHBOR OUT FOR A WALK: Male, 30s, wearing windbreaker, affable sort of fellow
GIRL DOG: Fat Chihuahua ass, 10 lbs., attached to pink leash
BOY DOG: Laughably small Chihuahua, 4 lbs., wearing bright red sweater, attached to red leash

ME and BOYFRIEND are walking down the block towards the beach. I am holding a leash attached to GIRL DOG, and BOYFRIEND holds leash attached to BOY DOG, who looks like a mouse on a string. INNOCENT NEIGHBOR OUT FOR A WALK is headed in the opposite direction, away from the beach, on the other side of the street. ME and BOYFRIEND are engaged in our usual pastime of playful bickering. In response to some unremembered but likely meaningless little insult, I joke about withholding sex:

ME: Yeah, well, you better get used to f**king your hand, ‘cause you’re going to be doing a lot of it.

BOYFRIEND: That’s okay, (mumble mumble) like f**king my hand, anyway.

INNOCENT NEIGHBOR OUT FOR A WALK’s eyes widen and emits guffaw. I catch sight of him and redden slightly. Undaunted, I demand of BOYFRIEND:

ME: Did you say ‘it’s just like f**cking your hand, anyway?’

BOYFRIEND: No, no! I said I like f**king my hand, anyway!

ME: Oooooooohhhhhhhhh…….okay (glancing sheepishly at INNOCENT NEIGHBOR OUT FOR A WALK and blushing hotly).

INNOCENT NEIGHBOR OUT FOR A WALK (glancing back over shoulder and laughing out loud): Awesome!

BOY DOG pees all over the side of someone’s house.
GIRL DOG pees over BOY DOG’s pee.
ME and BOYFRIEND snigger hysterically and rehash INNOCENT NEIGHBOR OUT FOR A WALK’s commentary.